You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
did i just pee glitter
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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