I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
