so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
