Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
