oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
