i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
