mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
