OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
