Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
