Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
