what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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