I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
