hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
