I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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