...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
