I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
