Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
