I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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