My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
