her vagine was all disorganized.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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