You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
