Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
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