i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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