I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Holy sore nipples Batman
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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