i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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