I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
