I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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