Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
