This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
