Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
