My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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