Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
