just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
