Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
