you guys were way drunker than both of me
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
