I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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