how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
