stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
