saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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