I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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