I hate your face
what day is it and did you see me today?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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