someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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