I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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