Non-Jews are for practice
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
