Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
