Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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