dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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