I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
