I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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