Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
