you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i now understand why vodka
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
