We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
