Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
