Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dicks are not precious.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
