one word: firstdatebathroomanal
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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