xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
