I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
