two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize