Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What a dumb baby whore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
