Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
