Me. At least after what I've been through.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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