We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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